I Bruise Easily

"So be gentle when you handle
I bruise easily
You can't scratch the surface
without moving me underneath"
-Natasha Bedingfield - I Bruise Easily

Sometimes things happen in someones life that bruises them. This leave a mark on their heart, just like a scar leaves a mark on skin.

My heart is covered in scars. Some of these are not even scabbed over yet. And sometimes these scars make it hard or even impossible to be completely normal.

My heart was hurt again last night. Similar to the scars that it already had. I immediately bandaged it up so it wouldn't get infected with distrust and doubt. I only hope it was caught in time.

I don't want anymore scars on my heart.

Time after Time

Time after time I am amazed at what a little get away can do for someone. I've been working real hard at two jobs, loving one and hating the other. I realize how much I need a little vacation every now and then. So I've decided that I am going to be one of those kind of persons that "Work Hard, Play Hard."

So last weekend I got a sudden urge to get away from life and work. We decided to go up north for the night, to a gorgeous Arizona Lake. I of course took my camera (cause thats the job I love) and I got a few great shots. We ended up renting a boat and fished both days. Besides the sunburn I had a great weekend!

There is something about weddings

There is something about weddings that I love. I love the romantic atmosphere & feelings that surround the happy couple. I guess its the hopeless romantic in me, but I love being the one that gets that shot of the groom when the bride first walks into the room. Or of the shot of the father getting a little teary eyed as he watches his daughter kiss the groom.

Weddings are a great place for me to really play around with my camera and get some fun shots. I'm able to really show off my style with weddings. I love getting the abstract/artistic shots, and of course I have great subjects to do that with.

In a couple weeks I will have another wedding to do and I'm so excited. This wedding will be a lot different then your "typical" wedding, so I'm looking forward to the art that comes out of this one!

Starting School Again

Exciting times are happening to me! I am starting school again!

First off, I'm going to the local community college and taking classes for photoshop (whoohoo) and also American Sign Language.

Also I used to go to the New York Institute of Photography and because of my previous life issues I was unable to finish. But I contacted them and was able to get an extension! So now I have a lot of school work to do in a little bit of time!! But I'm excited!

This weekend I'm pretty much going to stay home and do nothing but school work and pictures. Maybe I'll have something good by the end of the weekend... I can't wait!!

The Fall Of Rain

Warning: This story is rated Mature and may contain material unsuitable for those under the age of 18.

“I hate the rain”, she thought to herself. She watched it fall from the window of the cafe where she was at. The small table for two barely held her big coffee cup and saucer she was supplied with from the barista. She couldn't see how the small table could handle the laptops the other patrons brought in. “Stupid tables” she thought.

She stared out the window. The rain was always so dreary and depressing. She hated the days it rained. Of course she hated all days. She hated life in general. She just got done seeing her therapist and amazingly she didn't feel any better.

“So how are you feeling today Beth?”

“Fine” was her response. That was always her response.

Her therapist, Dr. Allison D. Scott, looked at her just through the top of the rim of her glasses. It was getting to the end of the sessions Beth's mother had paid for and Beth wasn't any better than the first day she came. Allison had tried her best to get Beth to open up to her. But since his death Beth closed herself off to everyone. Even the countless sessions hadn't seem to helped Beth get over her depression and negativity. Allison wondered if she did everything right, she never had a patient not show any progress at all. The one thing though that puzzled Allison was Beth never cried, not at any of their sessions. For someone that was so emotional and who had so much emotional damage, this was unusual.

“So tell me how was your week?” Allison probed Beth.

“Fine” was Beth's response again.

“Did you work on what I asked you to work on?” Allison asked

“No” was the answer.

And this is how all the sessions happened. Allison had called Beth's mom to ask her if there was something that would bring her back to reality. Beth's mom had told her that Beth used to paint. That was her happy place, but hadn't seen Beth paint in years.

Allison tried that approach, she had requested that Beth paint her a picture. Beth said she would, like she agreed to anything that Allison requested. But as always she never did it.

Allison tried one more request. The response from Beth came as a surprise to Allison. Beth had told her no, not yes as she usually did. This was the one thing that gave Allison hope, she felt this was the one thing she said to Beth that actually got to her.

Beth couldn't understand why everyone wouldn't just leave her alone. She wanted to be left alone to grieve, to disappear. She didn't care that it had already been a year since that day. Beth stared out the window and cursed under her breath. She was mad it was raining, she was mad at Allison, and at her mom for even making her go to these sessions. She was 27 she didn't need to be told what to do anymore. And what Allison asked of her? That was just ridiculous.

Yet she found herself thinking about it. Who did she think she was? Who the fuck did she think she was?? To ask her to do such a thing. Since day one she had asked her to do things, and Beth always agreed. But she never did it. What was the point? It wouldn't “help” her. Her mind started going back to that day.


“Put that camera down!” Beth yelled at Jacob. “You and that damn camera!” Jacob poked his head out from the camera he had in his hands with a big grin. That smile always made her smile, it was amazing that after 5 years of marriage he could still do that to her. Right when she smiled he clicked his camera.

Beth laughed at Jacob. “You are such a dork!”

“Maybe, but I still won!” Jacob said as he looked down at the view finder. “Come on, we need a few more pictures for our anniversary album!”

This was their 5th year anniversary and he wanted to do something special for her. It was the monsoon months and he knew she loved going up the mountain when it rained, so he got them a cabin for the weekend. Beth loved it. It was the sweetest gift he could have given her.

They were on one of the many walks they've gone on for this trip and she enjoyed every minute of it even the picture taking. As he put the camera down he took her hand into his and the strolled through the trail. In the distance they heard the thunder roll.

“We should probably cut this stroll short, we don't want to get rained on” Jacob said.

“You mean you don't want your camera to get rained on” Beth remarked back with a smile.

“That too” Jacob replied.

Beth laughed, this was a great weekend. She needed this so very much. She was struggling with work problems and it was nice to finally get away from all of them. But as the day progressed she knew that soon they would have to leave and that she would have to get back to the daily grime.

All of a sudden Jacob stopped and since they were still holding hands he dragged her back to him. His hand reached across to her face and he cupped it as he kissed her. Her lips met his and their tongues slowly entered into each others mouth. Beth loved those kisses. And just as abruptly as Jacob started kissing her, he stopped. He smiled mischievously.

“You don't have to stop” Beth said lowly.

“I don't want to stop, but if we don't then we won't make it back before it rains. And I didn't bring my camera bag.”

“Fine! Then Beth laughed, “We should hurry, those clouds over there are dark”

Jacob kissed her one more time before they turned around to go back.
The rain continued to fall outside the windows of the cafe. Beth still sat there with her coffee that she hadn't had but a few sips of. It was cold now but the froth was still floating around on top.

Beth remembered clearly that day. She was surprised about how many details she remembered about that day still. She remembered the sprinkles of rain starting, then the rain. She remembered Jacob stuffing his camera down his shirt, and how they ran back to the cabin. How they were laughing the whole way, and how they made love all afternoon after that.

But worse off she remembered how the day ended. The thoughts and memories she had tried so hard to hold back now came out of her like the floods that the monsoons brought. The fucking rain! She thought to herself.

She tried to shake off the memories. Why the hell did Allison tell her to take a trip up there? Why would she ask her to do such a thing? She felt a tear fall from her eye. She was crying. She hadn't cried since that day and now she was crying. Is this what they all wanted? Is this what Allison wanted? She never cried in front of anyone since the accident. What was the point? No one could help her. No one could bring Jacob back. They didn't need to see those tears, those tears didn't belong to them, they belong to him, to Jacob.

She wiped away the tears and watched as the rain fell harder. Allison thinks that she blames herself for the accident, for Jacob dying. “What does she know?” Beth asked herself.

“I don't blame myself, I blame this fucking rain” Beth says outloud. A few people turn to her as she raised her voice but then quickly turned back to their book or computer.

“Fine” Beth says to herself. “She wants me to go back there, then I will, Right now.” Beth leaves the full cup of coffee on the table and walks out the big glass doors into the pouring rain.

By the time she gets to the car and opens it up she is drenched in water. She doesn't care. She backs up the car and pulls into the empty street. “See I'm not the only one who hates the rain” She thinks to herself.

She continues to think about that day, about the drive back, about that turn. The rain was coming down so hard that day, Jacob wasn't even driving fast. He was driving 25 mph on the normal 55 mph road. There was no reason why he should have died. There is no reason why she should have lived through that accident. Why couldn't she have died with him? Why did she have to be without him? She was screaming those questions in her head.

She was there, she was on the road that he died on. This was the first time that she had even attempted to drive this road. And now she was there, with the rain pouring down. Along with the rain falling, her tears were too. So much that she couldn't even see the road, but that didn't slow her down. She was driving twice as fast as Jacob had that fateful day.

It didn't stop her though. “Fuck Allison, fuck them all.” Beth thought to herself. They had no idea what she had gone through since the accident.

“Jacob!” Beth cried out as she made the same turn that they made a year earlier. Just like Jacob had that day Beth lost control of the car. Beth flashed back, “I love you” was the last words Jacob said to her the day he died. “I love you Jacob” was the last words Beth said a year later.

Hard Work

OMG. This weekend has been so busy for me. My body aches so much. So much that ibuprofen isn't helping. Oh well... its worth it... for the most part. lol

So I finally was able to get my roses planted this weekend. I put them against the fence line that I was planning. My honey was kind enough to help me out. I was going to border them with rocks but he suggested that he could build me a bed. And that is precisely what he did. And I LOVE it! So here are the before, in between and after pictures. :)


Then while he worked on that I got my little herb garden ready. I decided I needed to create a little walk way so I can pick my herbs from the middle and back without stepping on everything.



Oh and while we were pulling up roots and cutting down trees my honey found this disgusting thing. *gag* This thing was 4 inches long and probably an inch thick. *gag* lol He grew up collecting yucky/weird insects in a jar of alcohol so we have one at my house, and I get this lovely creature in it.


There is so much work left to do on the yard and now because of my muscles I'm wondering HOW much I'll be able to get done. Hmmmm, I think I'll get in the hot tub tonight. :)

I never promised you a rose garden

But that is what I'm getting. Yesterday, Home Depot had a great sale on roses and I bought 15 bushes. I will be taking 'before' pictures today so you can see where I'm going to be putting them. But I have an entire fence line that I will be using these roses as a privacy wall.

Not one bush was the same so I will have a variety of colors and blooms. My goal with this is to have a few bushes blooming from spring into late summer so I always have flowers to look at and some for inside.



What do the colors of roses mean? I searched online and found this...

• Red: love, used to say "I love you," but also stands for courage and respect.
• Red & White Together or White Roses with Red Edges signify unity and togetherness.
• Pink: symbolizes grace, sophistication and elegance. Also symbolizes gentle feelings of love and friendship.
• Dark Pink: Gratefulness and appreciation.
• Light Pink: Admiration, sympathy
• White: Innocence, purity, secrecy, friendship, reverence and humility.
• Yellow: Often akin to joy and deep friendship or platonic love. In German speaking countries, however, they can mean jealousy and infidelity.
• Yellow with red tips: Symbolizes a gesture of falling in love.
• Orange or Coral symbolizes enthusiasm and desire
• Burgundy: Beauty
• Blue: Mystery
• Green: Calm
• Black: used to signify death (black being the color of death) often of old habits. In a positive light it signifies rebirth after death. Also, slavish devotion (as a true black rose is impossible to produce).
• Purple: protection (paternal/maternal love)

The rose also has various supernatural and literary attributes.

• Pale Colors:convey warmth and friendship.
• A Dozen Roses: stand for "there are dozens of ways I care about you."
• Two Dozen Roses: stands for the 24 hours in a day and tells that "you think about them every hour".
• Three Dozen Roses: signify a romantic attachment unlike any other.
• Four Dozen Roses: mean unchanging and unconditional love.

(taken from Wikipedia.com)


I'm also in a search for a website that explains the different roses and when they bloom and how hardy they are. If anyone has found such a site please share! Thanks!

On another note I received about 10 berry plants from my boyfriend's mom (she is a gardening enthusiast) and I got those in the ground as well. There are raspberries and blackberries in this group. They are fast growers and produce a lot of fruit. So I'm very excited to see them take off. This is one area that I planted...